Satire · Written by the neighbors
Not LEV’EL’s brochure. Left side: LEV’EL’s real marketing, quoted. Right side: what the neighbors hear.
LEV’EL · The Neighbors’ Edition · Some questions, some answers
Frequently asked questions. Frequently ignored answers.
LEV'EL's real FAQ on the left. The neighbors' answers on the right.
LEV’EL says
What the neighbors hear
Is live music allowed?
LEV’EL says
“Yes, live bands are permitted. All musical performances must comply with our sound regulations to meet local ordinance requirements.”
What the neighbors hear
Yes! Outside, ideally. Our sound regulations and the local ordinance apply for roughly as long as a patrol car is parked out front.
Parody
What types of events can LEVEL host?
LEV’EL says
“Weddings, corporate conferences, private parties, galas, and outdoor celebrations”
What the neighbors hear
Outdoor celebrations are our specialty. The neighbors attend every one of them, RSVP or not.
Parody
Is security required?
LEV’EL says
“A door concierge/security personnel is required for all events. For guest counts above 100, additional security may be necessary”
What the neighbors hear
Security keeps uninvited guests out. The music, however, is free to leave whenever it likes.
Parody
Is smoking allowed?
LEV’EL says
“Smoking is prohibited inside the building. Designated smoking areas are available outside”
What the neighbors hear
Smoke outside, dance outside, sing outside, DJ outside. Honestly, what is the inside even for?
Parody
Does LEVEL have heating and air conditioning?
LEV’EL says
“Our venue is fully equipped with heating and air conditioning”
What the neighbors hear
Fully climate-controlled indoors. Such a shame to waste it on a quiet room.
Parody
Can I arrive earlier to drop off event items?
LEV’EL says
“All items must be delivered and picked up within the contracted rental times”
What the neighbors hear
Deliveries come through the alley, which on event nights doubles as our loading dock. Residents trying to reach their own garages may use their imagination.
Parody
What is the process of renting LEVEL?
LEV’EL says
“We meet to understand your vision, prepare a tailored proposal, then relax and enjoy your event”
What the neighbors hear
Step three, relax and enjoy, is available to paying guests only. The neighbors get steps four through seven: lie awake, call LAPD, wait, repeat.
Parody